My Vanished Friend

This morning, while I was reading an emailed poem entitled “The Vahished Friend,” I was silent for a while because the poem was very “life-like” to me. The thought of the poem is very real to my experience.

Let me just share this bit of reflection with the hope that everyone may learn from it, too.

I had this very close friend. His name was Lloyd. He lived a life of poverty. His father was a carpenter, her mother does a lot of odd jobs here and there just to eke out a living. One day, I went to their house at three in the afternoon, I felt bad because they still hadn’t eaten because they were still waiting for their hen to lay at least one egg which they would cook and share for lunch. I felt guilty because earlier that day, I complained, at lunch time because I did not want to eat fish fillet. And here, my friends and his family, were trying to laugh the pangs of hunger away by telling jokes and by singing songs. That’s how poor they were and they are still poor today.

We’ve been friends since the early 80's, he was in high school, then and I was in college (he was about 10 years my junior.) What bound us close together was our love for fun and music. We usually got together after school and sing... he with his guitar, and I with mine. We composed songs, played cards, eat and did lots of stuff together. We shared happy and sad experiences and we enjoyed each other’s company...

When I moved to another place (after 10 years of friendship), we rarely saw each other. I’d go and visit him once in a while. I always promised to pay him a visit as often as I could, but I never found the time to visit him as often as I wanted to.

Just this year, I heard that he was undergoing treatment for kidney failure (He drank a lot, and he loved to eat fatty food.). I told my self that I would go and see him one of those days. At times, I was already near his place, I just did not feel like proceeding to his house. I never had the guts to see him in his God forsaken condition. Until last June 5, I saw our common friend and I told him to go and see Lloyd, and I will just follow if I had the time off from my busy schedule. In short, I never visited my dear friend.

Just last June 20, a friend told me that Lloyd passed away last May 27. I was totally devastated. I could not believe what I heard. I got mad at that friend for not informing me earlier. I was really depressed. I was angry ..... I was so mad at myself. I felt so guilty because I did not have time. I did not find time for my dear friend. I took him for granted. It was then I realized again that “one realizes a person’s worth when he’s gone...”

Yes, my friend is gone. I am not. He is now resting in peace, I am not in peace. I am not at peace with his passing away. I am not at peace with him.... I am not in peace..... I am not at peace with myself.

This is not only sad. This is a tragedy. This is a misery of my own doing. So last Sunday, I went to pay her mom a visit.

There she was --- old, spent, and teary eyed. She approached me and gave me a very tight hug. A hug I knew that my friend could have given me if I had the courage to see him when he was dying. I knew that it was also the kind of hug that my friend would have desired had I had the nerve to visit him in his deathbed.

Mom cried. I tried to hold back my tears. I had to appear strong. A tear just rolled down my cheek. In an almost inaudible voice, she said, in between sobs: He’s gone... he left us... He is now with the Lord...

I do not want to burden you with my cares. I am telling you these because I want you to learn from experience. I want you to experience what life is all about.

Life is not all the time fun. It is not everyday a fiesta. It is not... It is not. As I was reflecting, this morning, I came to realize that a time will come when we will all be busy with our own jobs, and concerns. And if this time will come, I might not be able to get in touch with my friends as often as we do now. My friends might not also get in touch with me as often as they wanted to, because we will be busy making our own lives. And one day, what happened to me and Lloyd, might also happen not only to us, but all of our LOVED ones, our other friends, relatives and even our parents, brothers and sisters. God Forbid! They might... they might if we continue to be complacent with life.

But I also realized that in spite of life’s horrors, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL if we just learn how to live it. It is a matter of how we learn from our mistakes and sins from the past.

Although time waits for no one, there is still time, as long as we live.

Look around! Who are these persons who deserve your genuine smile? Who are these persons who long for your warm embrace? Who are these people who need to know that you love them and that you care a lot about them? Who? Who is the Lloyd in your life? Is there, around the corner, an about to vanish friend?

Thank God It's Thursday

Thank God it's Thursday... Just one more day, and it will be Saturday.

I just feel so good thinking that it's Thursday... It is just for one simple reason: The following day is Friday... I just do not want to say TGIF... and if it is Friday, then it spells REST for someone who is hardworking as I. It is then, on that Friday night when I could make plans for Saturday...

It may sound so lame but come to think of it, when Thursday comes, I know that it will soon be Saturday and each minute that passes by, will make me more excited to think about my big plans for Saturday. When Friday comes, the excitement builds up and just before I sleep that night (if ever I could sleep, thinking about the exciting Saturday) I would mentally note the details of Saturday... This makes me happy...

Happiness for me need not be one big event. I still believe that one happy thought could make my day. Each little happiness that comes my way is enough to change my outlook for each moment. And because of this, I tend to make all the people I meet each day, happy.

I have been trying my best to make sure that whenever a person comes to see me, I see to it that this person leaves with a smile on his face. (This does not happen though, all the time, that is why I keep trying.)

In the kind of work I am involved in, I get to meet all sorts of people --- Some over-eager to please, some so nice and so sweet, some just truly friendly. The kind of person I do not need to meet in a day is the one who is so full of himself, bossy, pretentious and "fake". Some people come to me with a smile. They come into my office armed with all the nice words that flatter... They, then, make a request. At times, unreasonable requests... and when I say no and try to explain why I could not grant the request, they create a scene, shout invectives... malign... and even threaten me... well, to these kind of persons, I just think about this: To be harassed and not to seek for revenge...

Well, at times, it works... but at times, I doesn't. So I also show them the kind of stuff I am made of... I give them a dose of their own bitter medicine... I thought I felt vindicated... for a while, I thought I was happy... BUT if I were happy, why was I not smiling? why was I trembling, with hands curled into fists...

In the end, I end up feeling so bad... so pissed... so damn depressed.

At the end of the day, I reflect on that experience and tell myself: I'd rather think about the little things that make me happy, the short moments that make me smile... and one of them is Thursday... So I look up and thank the Lord for it is Thursday and just one more day, It will be Saturday.

wandering mind

As my mind was wandering, wondering where it would lead me, it led me here. I do not exactly know what I am doing here, but definitely it made me create a blog. Now I am forced to write my first blog and I hope the fire that was started by a spark will catch on and become a blaze that would spread like wild fire... As I said, I am just a wondering wandering mind. I still do not know what to write about... but in due time, I will be able to express my thoughts, feelings and ideas. Or maybe, I could post some of those reflections which I have already written and are just sitting in the backroom of my hard disk... For now, I got to turn in and rest... It has been a long day for me...